Writing music about forgiveness can be therapeutic

As I shared with you back in December, I am writing a new piece about forgiveness for Panoramic Voices, Brent Baldwin conductor. They commissioned this new piece for choir and strings for their concert this next February and I am glad to say, it is now ready!

Yay!

Forgiveness is difficult, so is writing about it.

I was really good and disciplined enough to write the choral parts in December and the strings in January, but the part that I am now sharing with you is that I’ve spent nearly four months (maybe a little more or less) thinking about this piece and what I wanted to say with it.

That is ok.

Sometimes, our scores, like food, need time to marinate in our imagination before they hit the paper and make us proud parents of another child, with or without flaws. What I did not think about when I chose the text (that I wrote) is that it was going to be such a therapeutic journey, learning how to set my feelings about this experience into music.

As I wrote the music, I got to sing the parts and enjoy them. That is just something I enjoy doing to try to find the best line for each singer in the choir. I also got to explore more the nuances of gestures in choral writing.

As I kept exploring this piece, I was worried because some of the things I wrote could be too vulnerable but this piece is all about that. I was worried, and sometimes I still am due to self-doubt, that I was writing bad music. I’m not, I am proud of the work and music I put on this piece.

I haven’t find the answer yet

As rewarding as it was to write this piece, I have not found “the answer”, whatever that means in my journey. What I found is that I can express my feelings and I can acknowledge them in a healthy way to be able to face reality. That is a huge step forward to be able to forgive.

I am excited to be in the audience of the piece. I can’t wait to be able to not just be the composer of this piece but to live through it and be changed by the gestures that Brent will incorporate, his musicality and the choir.

I’ve always thought that once the piece leaves my room, it transforms with each new ensemble and even with every new audience.

What did I learn?

To write this piece, I had to learn how to forgive myself. I explored how not to blame myself for things that are not there. Do you relate to this? In some ways, the piece “hurts” but it is an important journey for me to go through. Now, I am able to be grateful to look at this piece in the eyes and learn. I hope to hear it everywhere and that people can share their experiences with it.

Is forgiveness difficult for you? Does it make the same noise for you as it does for me?

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